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Work Jokes

 
 
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. 
The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off." "I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, flavoured ones, every variety imaginable. "Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute. "So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer." "No fear. I'm a happily married man." "So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?" "It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"
 
 
 
 

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. 
And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." 
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens. 


 
 
 
  Career Choice
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Media Studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 
 
 
 
  In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"
 
 
 
  Carlos calls his boss in the morning: 
Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache my legs hurt I not come work. 
The boss says: 
You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that. 
2 hours later Carlos calls: 
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon... 
And by the way, you got nice house.
 
 
 
   
     
     
       

fun picture with working joke

 

fun picture with working joke

      
   
       
       
   
 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."

 
   
  The worst Typo in the world 
This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems, and went out to all corporate employees. 
To: All Corporate Employees 
Subject: Copier! 
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1999 12:48pm 
PLEASE PLEASE please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days to remove paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.
 
 
 
  HOW TO MESS UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." 		 
 
 
  POLITICALLY CORRECT & NON POLITICALLY CORRECT LANGUAGE FOR THE OFFICE
PC: Perhaps I can work late.
NON PC: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PC: I'm certain that it's not feasible.
NON PC: No fucking way.
PC: Really?
NON PC: You've got to be shitting me.
PC: Perhaps you should check with....
NON PC: Tell someone who gives a shit.
PC: Of course I'm concerned
NON PC: Ask me if I give a shit.
PC: I wasn't involved in that project.
NON PC: Its not my fucking problem.
PC: That's interesting behavior.
NON PC: What the fuck?!?!
PC: I'm not sure I can implement this.
NON PC: Fuck it, it won't work.
PC: I'll try to schedule that.
NON PC: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
PC: Are you sure this is a problem?
NON PC: Who the fuck cares?
PC: He's not familiar with the problem.
NON PC: He's got his head up his ass.
PC: Excuse me sir?
NON PC: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
PC: So you weren't happy with it?
NON PC: Kiss my ass.
PC: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
NON PC: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
PC: I don't think you understand.
NON PC: Shove it up your ass.
PC: I love a challenge.
NON PC: This job sucks.
PC: You want me to take care of that?
NON PC: Who the hell died and made you boss
PC: I see.
NON PC: Fuck me.
PC: Yes, we really should discuss it.
NON PC: Another fucking meeting!!!!
PC: I don't think this will be a problem.
NON PC: I really don't give a shit.
PC: He's somewhat insensitive.
NON PC: He's a fucking prick.
PC: She's an aggressive go getter.
NON PC: She's a ball busting bitch.
PC: I think you could use more training.
NON PC: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 
 
 
  A man telephones his office and says, “Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick.”
“How sick are you?” asks his boss.
“Well,” he replies, “I'm in bed with my sister and her dog.”
 
 
 
 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

 
 
 
  10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of women favour nudity.
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of women experienced anal sex
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.
CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it!
 
 
 
 

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

  
 
 
 

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. Just don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. 
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. 
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" 

 
 
 
  A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
 
 
 
  Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"
Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand quid"
A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date."
The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she's giving me the best blowjob I ever had."
One of his co-workers says, "Man, are you frigging lucky."
Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...and I won another ten grand." 
 
 
 
  The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......" 
 
 
 
  Genius of the week award, awarded weekly on a week by week basis. 
Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind. 
All was fine, til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software... They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, who.ever@scunthorpe.gov.uk contained the word 'cunt!' 
Marvellous!!! 
 
 
 
  Business banners 
Over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a exhaust repair shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
 
 
 
 

ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL? 
This quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
The questions are not at all difficult. 
Q: How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 
A: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 
Q: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. WRONG!
Correct Answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Q: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Q: There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. 
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. Mind you, look what happened to Andersen.

  
   
   
 
 
  Top 20 Engineers' Terminologys
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.
 
 
 
  Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
 
 
 
  Below are the typical areas of a resumé and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. 
THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resumé unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IT position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PhD's. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at FoodGiant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system". "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."
 
 
 
  One summer, an old professor got a job on the railway as a steward. On his first day, he was accompanied by another steward to learn the ropes. "The job is really quite simple," said his tutor, "just remember to use diplomacy."
"What to you mean by diplomacy?" asked the professor, since that was something he'd never needed while teaching.
The steward-in-charge replied, "Watch me and I'll show you."
They proceeded down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with their keys and offering tea or coffee. When the steward- in-charge flung open one door, before him stood a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid, he calmly asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The startled woman took a cup of coffee and he closed the door.
"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She didn't have a stitch of clothing on! But, why did you call her 'sir'?"
"That's diplomacy!" explained his tutor. "I didn't want to embarrass her."
The old professor was very impressed with his teacher.
The following day, working on his own, the old professor flung open a compartment door and found a couple making love on the bed.
Remaining calm, he asked, "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
 
 
 
  A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the centre ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
 
 
 
  A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father." 		 
 
 
  The British Aviation Authority used to test the strength of windshields on planes using a device that could fire out dead chickens at extremely high speed.
The device was pointed at the aircraft's windshield and if the chicken didn't break it, it was assumed that the windshield would survive the impacts of actual collisions with birds when in flight.
British Rail had recently designed a new locomotive and was testing various designs of windshields, so they borrowed the device from the BAA. 
Adjusting it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, they loaded a dead chicken and fired it at the first windshield design.
The chicken went straight through the windshield, broke several components and left a huge dent in the compartment door. Surprised by the result, they asked a BAA official if they had done the test correctly.
An engineer checked everything and suggested that for their next test they defrost the chicken. 		 
 
 
  I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. 
The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position. 
The second hint was a little more tragic... As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple. 		 
 
 
  NEW WORDS FOR THE 2003 EDITION OF THE NEW OFFICE DICTIONARY
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folk 		 
 
 
  A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."  		 
 
 
  A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."  		 
 
 
  A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. 
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. 
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." 
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. 
"Well, did your son become a fireman?" 
"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers." 		 
 
 
  A railway worker is lying on the floor in Euston station clutching his guts. He's rolling about in terrible pain and groaning, “Are you alright?” asks a passenger.
“O Arrh, I'll be OK in a few minutes,” says the worker.
“What's wrong?” asks the passenger.
“Well,” says the worker, “I'm busting for a shit, but I don't start work for another 10 minutes.” 		 
 
 
  Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." 		 
 
 
  TECHNICAL TERMS
Technical talk is often difficult to understand by people not initiated in the technical arts. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by technicians, and an explanation of what they actually mean

STUFFED ...
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.

FUCKED ...
Terminally stuffed.

FUCK ME DEAD ...
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.

FUCK IT ALL ...
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.

FUCKING BLOODY FUCK ...
An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench. 

HOLY BLOODY SHIT ...
The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT ...
The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machine's operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ...
Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.

HOW THE FUCK .... ?
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.

BLOODY FUCK ...
Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ...
This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.

BUGGER BLOODY FUCK ...
You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.

FUCKING DAMN SHIT ...
I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.

FUCKING BLOODY DAMN ...
A general phrase indicating minor irritation.

HOLY BLOODY FUCK ...
My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.

BUGGER, FUCK, DAMN ...
An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the £1800 parts content of the job.