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	Short Jokes
	I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.

	One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

	I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

	I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

	I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

	Once when I was lost.... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them? " He said... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

	A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

	Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

	Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The little swallow.

	Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

	As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, the captain is a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female." "My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

fun picture with short joke

	What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

	A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees. "You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

	Motorists: Can't afford to buy a car with an airbag? Simply keep a foot pump next to your brake pedal and connect it to an inflatable paddling pool folded on your lap. If you are about to crash, pump rapidly and the inflated pool will cushion you from injury.

	Q: Is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: It got me out of the army!

	Over drinks one afternoon, John and Paul were discussing former loves. John explained that he once broke up with a girl long ago because she seemingly had an incurable speech impediment. Paul remarked, "I'm shocked. I never knew you were prejudiced against handicaps. What was the her problem?" John took another sip from his drink, then paused and reflected, "She couldn't say 'yes'."

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	A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

	Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

	A plumber was called to woman's house in Liverpool to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

	A sailor was talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."

	A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked. Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail." The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed."

	He said. . . Shall we try a different position tonight? She said. . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.

	How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes a whole team of doctors to get it out again

	Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you

	Quasimodo comes home from work one day and sees a wok on the table. He says to his wife, "Are we having Chinese food tonight?" She says, "No, I was just ironing your shirts".

	Spiderman reminds me of adolescence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.


	A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?" She responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

	I wish I was a bear... If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He also expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wish I was a bear.

	Jack and Don were at a bar having a few drinks, and Jack was complaining about his live-in girlfriend. "I'm telling you, Don," Jack grumbled, "I've just about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home, night after night. I'm seriously contemplating moving out and ending the relationship." "I can understand how that could be annoying," Don replied, "but just because she's interested in her career doesn't sound like a good enough reason to end the relationship." "It is if your girlfriend's a hooker," insisted Jack.

	A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?" "Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

	The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad............. The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Scottish ranks................ Ten men down, and the piper plays on................ Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out. Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"

	Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?

	A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. 'I have just the thing,' says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. 'Just place this between your cheek and gum.' The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, 'And what if I swallow it?' 'No problem,' says the barber. 'Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.'

	“Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

	Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch. "What on earth are you doing?" says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town.” "What did he say?" asked the waiter. "He said, “How should I know? I haven't been there in years!”

	Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossi cries in desperation. "Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by. "Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"

	One day, Bernie was trying to pull out of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a handful of people waiting for a bus. So Bernie got out of his car, inspected the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note, which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car. This is what the note said. “Hello, I have just hit your car and there are some people here watching me. They think I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number and car registration number. But I am not.”

	One year the senate of a large university was debating ways of cutting costs but maintaining the same number of postgraduate students. The Dean, a professor of philosophy had a bright idea. He said, "Why not recruit more mathematics post-grads? All we would have to buy are pencils, paper and litter bins!" The Vice-Chancellor, a mathematician, replied, "No we need more philosophers." "Why?" asked the Dean. The Vice Chancellor riposted, "We wouldn't need the waste bins."

	I heard you went home with a great-looking guy last night, "Cathy said. "Yeah,' Sue said, nodding. "For a guy on a road repair crew, he was pretty hot." "He was a road builder?" "Well, he must have been," Sue said with a shrug. "He wore an orange vest and I had to do all the work

	A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."

	A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?" "Sure," replied the guy. "Well, won't they find out?" The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

	While taking a walk through the park, a woman sat down on a park bench. Glancing around and seeing no one in sight, she decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. A short time later, a dirty old beggar approached her and said, "Mornin' Sunshine, how's about we go for a little walk together?" "How dare you!" the woman exclaimed. "What do you take me for, some kind of cheap pick-up?" "Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

	An Old Italian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The little old Italian woman says, "my, what nice aromas"! One turns to the old Italian woman and says, with a superior look, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!" The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" The little Italian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says..."Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

	An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

	The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

	A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

	A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

	Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

	A Scunthorpe man had recently lost his wife and went to the stone-mason after her funeral. "I want ‘Lord,She were thine," etched on the tombstone," he said. "Come back in two days' time," said the stone-mason. Two days later, the man went back. The headstone read, LORD, SHE WERE THIN. "You've left the ‘E' off," said the man. "Sorry, I'll put it right - come back tomorrow." The next day the man went back to the stonemason. The stone read, E LORD, SHE WERE THIN'.

	A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

	A man was on a date with a woman. They had returned to her place and were sitting on the sofa. Nibbling her earlobe, the man whispered, "You know, I'd like a little soft wet pussy." She said, "Oh, me too, mine's like an enamel bucket."

Short Jokes