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Marriage Jokes |
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Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex." Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, not yet." He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of her and starts banging her. She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan..." She says, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..." |
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| A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage. Wife: If I should die first, will you remarry? Husband: Probably, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone. Wife: Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared? Husband: I don't see why not, It would be empty, you wouldn't be there. Wife: Would you share the same bed we've shared? Husband: Well, it's a comfortable bed. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes? Husband: Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice. Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: No way, Linda is left handed. | ||
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| A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said. "Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband. "Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me." |
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| A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'" |
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| After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." |
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| Jones was having difficulties in business. "If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute," he said to his wife sadly, "it might make all the difference." "If that is all," said Mrs. Jones, "then all is well." She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills. "I've kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. There's almost three thousand dollars there." Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, "Oh, if only I had given you all of my business." |
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| Frank has been feeling poorly lately...depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative. His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him. After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office. "Mrs. Johnson," says the doctor, "I'm afraid Frank's stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two." "My God!," says Estelle. "Isn't there anything we can do?" "Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best...show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don't let him wait and start to brood, and don't let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don't use frozen foods...if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him. And most important, give him sex whenever and wherever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I'm certain we'll have Frank around for many, many years." As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. "Well, what does the doctor say?" "He says you're gonna die." |
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| This guy and his newlywed wife go off to a fancy hotel to celebrate their first night of marriage. Both of them had been saving themselves for this night and both were very anxious to, you could say, get everything underway. They strip down naked and are about to start getting kinky when the husband takes a look at his wife and says, "That's quite a fair sized butt you got there!!" His wife starts screaming at him and going mad telling him he should think about what he says and that she had been waiting her whole life for this one night and then she kicks him out the room! As he's standing in the passage feeling very despondent, he hears another door slam shut and sees another guy standing there with the same helpless look on his face. He asks the second guy what happened and he says, "Well tonight is my first night of my honeymoon. Both my wife and I had been saving ourselves for this one night. As we were getting ready I looked at her naked body and said, 'Quite the hefty pair of tits you got there!' Next thing she starts going wild and screaming and shouting, telling me I'm going to give her a complex or something, and then she kicked me out!" Just then they hear a third door slam shut and see another guy standing there. The first one asks him, "Did you also put your foot in it?" And he replies, "No, but I could have!!" |
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| Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man's wife to her place of employment...a brothel. During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, "I don't mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?" "That is impossible!" The man replied alarmingly. "My wife stays home while I am at work." "You are being deceived, sir," the cab driver taunted. "As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place." Both men agreed and after dropping the man's wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back. "I do not wish to enter such a place," began the man. "I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife." Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife. The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside. "Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife," replied the man. "I know," answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. "I'm going back in after yours, that one's mine!" |
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| A husband was coming out of anesthesia after an operation in hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband woke up again and said, "You're cute." "What happened to beautiful?" asked the wife. "The drugs are wearing off," the husband replied. |
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| Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poisonous mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poisonous mushrooms, too. Jim: And your third ate poisonous mushrooms, too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see. An accident? Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms! |
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| One hot, summer afternoon in Alabama, Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing, rocking to and fro. Then Pa turns to Ma and says, "Screw you, Ma." A minute passes by when Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." Another minute passes by and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." Again another minute passes by and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." After a couple of minutes pass by, Pa says to Ma, "You know something, Ma. I don't know what the fuss is all about but I just don't get too much from this oral sex thing." |
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| On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.!!" She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" |
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| On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter." |
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| A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system down at the fire station:" BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole BELL 3 rings and we' jump up on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump into bed. And when I say BELL 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE! |
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| One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "Why didn't you fill it?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want you to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??" |
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| He said. . . Shall we try a different position tonight? She said. . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart. |
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| A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10." Husband: "What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction." |
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| A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing. When the police arrived and asked for a description, she said, "He's six-foot-tall, with wavy blond hair and an athletic build." The police went door-to-door looking for more information. But the woman who lived at the next house said, "What? That woman's husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer belly the size of Australia!" The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why she gave a false description for her husband. The lady sighed and replied, "Just because he's missing, that doesn't mean I wanted him back!" |
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| A man takes his wife to the livestock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if he had to fuck the same cow every day." |
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| A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." |
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| Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?" "Honey, let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!" "Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids! |
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| A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..." |
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| Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a "night out with the boys." I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling." |
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| A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bonk?" the husband asked. "Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand." |
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| A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?” The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!” |
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| A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties *and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!" | ||
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| A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she asks: "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies: "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course, " says the man proudly. The wife responds: "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be really nice if you came second for a change." | ||
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| An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Darling, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Darling, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too." |
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| Sam and Bessie are senior citizens but all his life Sam has wanted to own an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie: "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,: "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells: "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" And Bessie said: "You shoulda bought a hat!" |
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| A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". |
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| man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." |
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| A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife" replied the hunter. |
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| Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates." |
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| A man is sitting at home with his wife. He says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest." "Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!" "But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!" "I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody." So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. "Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks. "Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says. "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes. The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win." |
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." |
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| A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." |
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| A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?" She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?" He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team." "Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?" |
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| John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John. |
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| A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all." |
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| All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?" Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck". Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?" Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference. |
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| Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs, he'll take care of you." So ... up she went. When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So ... up she went. When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama!" |
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| An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?" |
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| Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve |
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| A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice. "Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?" "Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come ever' time." The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?" "Yeah," she said, "you're fucking like a black guy!" |
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| An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick." The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!" |
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