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Kids & School Jokes |
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A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet. Boy: Sure is dark in here. Lover: Sure is. Boy: I have a baseball Lover: How nice. Boy: Want to buy it? Lover: How much? Boy:$25.00 Lover: That's outrageous. Boy My dad is outside. Lover: Ok I will buy it. A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again. Boy: Sure is dark in here Lover: Sure is. Boy: I have a baseball glove. Lover: remembering the last time says "How much?" Boy:$75.00 The lover buys the glove. Shortly after the father says to the boy," Lets go out and catch some ball." The little boy says he can't because he sold his ball and glove. Father: For how much? Boy: $100.00. Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess. So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says "Sure is dark in here" and the priest says "Don't start that stuff again!" |
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| A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5.00. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her £5.00 pay to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless wankers at the builders merchants ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl. |
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| Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!" |
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| A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says ,"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious" | ||
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| At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." | ||
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| A teacher is talking to her class full of infants "If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?" she asks the children The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove", "That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?" Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the little boy "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy, "Oh and why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork" says the boy "If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush" says the third boy "Why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's an irritating cunt!" |
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| A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden." |
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| A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" |
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| The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher! The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework. Number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed. |
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| Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mum? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head Teacher!" |
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| A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!" | ||
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| Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell is mother excitedly, "Mommy! Mommy! I was at the playground and...." Mommy tells him to slow down. So Little Johnny says, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat. Then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, ending with, "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy went away on business." |
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| A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg. So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does Mommy swallow it?" "She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress," said Mommy. |
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| It was a beautiful spring day as the mother and her 5 year old daughter strolled, hand-in-hand down the country lane...they picked wild flowers, watched the butterflies, and generally enjoyed their walk together. Soon, they came upon a pasture where a pair a horses were in the process of "mating"...the little girl stopped and pointed..."Mummy, what are those horseys doing?" she asked. Her mother was very embarassed, but she thought quickly... "Well," she told her young daughter, "The horse on the top...hurt his ankle while playing in the field, and the horse on the bottom...is helping him get back to the barn." They walked along in silence for awhile, the the little girl said "Life is just like that, isn't it, Mummy? Her mum asked, "What do you mean dear?" The little girl replied, "Whenever you try to help somebody... you get fucked!" |
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| A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollipop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lollipops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollipops!" Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Lada, YOU ride in it!!!" |
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| Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!" | ||
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| An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" |
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| A little girl, a typical cute four-year-old, inquisitive and bright as a new penny, expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, so her father decided to pull out his wedding-photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mummy came to work for us?" |
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| A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What's so funny Pat?” ”Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” ”Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don't want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, ”What's so funny Billy?” ”Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don't want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. ”Where do you think you are going?” she asks. ”Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.” |
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| A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading... "I would do anything to pass the exam". She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!". He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Oh yes" she said, "anything!" He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?" |
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| After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all underage 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." |
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| One day a boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt." |
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| A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa!" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!" |
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| A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ! Are you still in there!'" |
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| The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsey," one child answers. And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy." replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!" |
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| Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied. | ||
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| Little Johnny's parents were getting divorced and his parents were fighting over custody. The social worker asks Johnny who he would most like to stay with. "Would you like to stay with your mum, Johnny?" asks the social worker. "No, she beats me." replied Johnny "Well then, how about living with your dad then?" asks the social worker "No he beats me too!" said Johnny "Who do you want to stay with then?" asks the social worker getting impatient "I want to stay with the England cricket team!" said Johnny with a big smile "Why would you want to stay with them?" replied the social worker "Because they never beat anybody!" said Johnny |
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| A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday." "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job." |
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| Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it. The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t. The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s. Little Johnny says "fucking nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g. The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mum. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!" |
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| One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mummy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "You must have really pissed off Grandma!" |
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| The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!" Half of his congregation stood up. He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up. He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny. The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!" Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!" |
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| "Doctor, I would like you to evaluate my son, his name is Gareth and he is 12" "OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 12?" |
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| What's your father's occupation? asked the school secretary on the first day of registration. He's a magician, said the new boy. How exciting. What's his best trick? He saws people in half. How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?; Yep...one half brother and two half sisters. |
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| “Give me a sentence about a public servant”, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure, said the young student confidently. Means carrying a child.” |
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| As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was full of questions. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mum has some of those too, but the only one who gets to use them is Daddy" |
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A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbour one evening. |
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| Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly. He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants." The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants." At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy. |
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| A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?" She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?" He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team." "Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?" |
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| A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast." |
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| Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mum looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties, licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again. She goes out to see what on earth he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times. "Johnny', she screams, 'What are you doing?!' 'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.' |
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| The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..." |
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| The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply. |
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| There's a guy hitchiking along the highway when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. There sits the driver and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, dude", said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company and he looks after you too. Check this shit out". Without further ado, the trucker winds up and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the trucker's fly, goes down and gets to work on the trucker's manhood at a vigorous pace. Once the Captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin the monkey wipes him off, zips up his fly and sits back down in his little monkey-seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!", says the by-now quite interested hitcher. "Can I give it a try?". The trucker looks across and says, "Yeah sure, why not?". "Okay, but just one thing though", says the hitcher. "What's that?", asks the trucker. "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard". | ||
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| An older woman let her dog out to go to the bathroom, and before she knew it a neighbor's dog jumped on and started humping her dog. She tried pulling the dogs apart and hitting the male dog. She even tried throwing cold water on them and nothing worked. About this time a little boy came along and the old woman told him that she would give him five dollars if he can get that dog off her dog. The little boy walked up to the dogs wet his finger, lifted the dog's tail and stuck his finger in the dog's ass. The dog backed off right away and the little boy went up to the porch to collect his five dollars. The woman gave the boy his five dollars and asked the little boy how he got the dogs apart. The little boy said, "Well Lady he can dish it out but he can't take it. |
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| Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?" Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?" Johnny replies, "Wimbledon." |
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| One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?" My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that I came from Pennsylvania." |
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