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Bars & Drinking Jokes

 
 
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!' 
 
 
 
  A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE CENT that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. 
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".. The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." 
 
 
 
  A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants..... 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says..... 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'..... The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants..... 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says..... 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms..... Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'..... 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'.... The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.... 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says..... 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband..... 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.... 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat..... 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.... The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on..... 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...' 
 
 
 
  It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. 
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. 
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. 
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. 
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" 
 
 
 
  There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger off home'.
 
 
 
   
     
     
       
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  Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock, last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.
After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor.
This was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some, but... He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without his wife's awakening. The next morning his wife asks him furiously. 
“Were you drunk again last night”?
Danny boy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
“They just called from the bar, you left without your wheelchair.”
 
   
  Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
 
 
 
  The case for drinking
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer Helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, We must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. 		 
 
 
  Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. 
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later." 
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. 
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck." 
 
 
 
  A man enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. 
The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. 
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. 
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, 
"What do you have?" 
"One Pound Fifty ," the man answers. 
 
 
 
 

Fellow walks into a Texas hotel dining room and orders a small glass beer. When the waiter comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.
The waiter says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."
Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.
The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.
After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into the hotel swimming pool and sinks to the bottom.
As he surfaces, he lets out a terrified scream, “For God's sake don't flush”


 
 
 
  A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam
 
 
 
 

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" 
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"


 
 
 
 

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one," This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the glory." 
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?" 
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind." 
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked out and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes." 

 
 
 
  One night in the pub, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans and groans to some of the regulars at the bar, a stranger dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just then. I'm a doctor at the mental hospital up the road, and as part of our Outreach programme I'm trying to integrate some of our more sane individuals back into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers, and my patients will have a good night out, it's a win-win situation. What do ye think?"
Well, the publican isn't sure but, being a licensed vintner and all that, the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night has a certain appeal, so he agrees.
The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten of his mental patients. He explains to the publican: "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, so could you ever just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up the account at the end of the night."
The barmen have a great time selling a clatter of pints and encouraging the mental patients to eat crisps and peanuts. The new customers appear to be having a great time, having a sing-song, getting merrily drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana skins, used teabags and plastic shopping bags.
At closing time the head barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over three hundred quid! The bloke with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the mental patients and get them ready to get on the bus and drive back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people, gives him a discount.
"Let's call it £250 ," he says.
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says: "That's fine. Have ye change for a wheelie bin?"
 
 
 
  An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.
 
 
 
  People in the public eye are said to be "in the limelight"?
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by
burning a cylinder of lime in an oxyhydrogen flame that produced a
brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen
by the audience to be the center of attention.
 
 
 
  A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fair's rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live tortoise. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another tortoise. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
 
 
 
  The beer company held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing. They advertised over all the airwaves and in all the newspapers. They received thousands of submissions. 
The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries. Finally they settled on one particular entry - "Love On A Lake". The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval. 
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."
The judges located the contestant. When they asked him for an explanation, he responded, "Well, love on a lake is fucking near water and that's what this beer tastes like!!"
 
 
 
 

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife no where near the water!"



 
   
   
 
 
  A drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.
The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
 
 
 
  There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
 
 
 
  An old tramp walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The tramp drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"
 
 
 
  A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window. "Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.
"Might I please have a word with George?"
 
 
 
  A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" 
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did. 
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." 
"Certainly." And it was done. 
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. 
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" 
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
 
 
 
  Two guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskies and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskies and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskies apiece.
One of them picks up one of his drinks and turning to the other man says, "Cheers!"
The other man turns to the first man and asks, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit or did you come here to drink?" 		 
 
 
  A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray." 		 
 
 
  Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
One of the drunks said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." 		 
 
 
  Two old drunks were really lapping them up at a bar one night.
The first old drunk said, "Ya know, when I was thirty years old and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."
The first drunk continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" 		 
 
 
  Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food joints fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still can't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But, why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?" 		 
 
 
  It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"... 		 
 
 
  A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???" 		 
 
 
  A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" 
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." 
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. 
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. 
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." 
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" 
"Rustling," said the bartender. 		 
 
 
  A man walks into a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the counter, seats himself on a stool and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he will not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses and leaves via the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries: "Man! How many bars do you work at?"  
 
 
  A man walks into a bar with a large paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender greets him and asks: 'what's in the bag?' The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about a foot high, then sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, placing it on the counter too. He reaches into the bag yet again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. "Where on earth did you get him?" Says the bartender. The man responded by reaching into the paper bag yet again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here, rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there's a great gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Anything you like ... but each person is only allowed one!" The bartender got really excited. Without hesitation he said: "I want a million bucks!" Moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming. The bartender turned to the man and said: "Y'know, I think your genie's a bit deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "I know, I know, you don't have to tell me," said the man: "do you really think I asked her for a 12 inch pianist?"