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Animal Jokes

 
 
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: 
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you," she says to the first dog. "What's your name then?" 
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." 
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" 
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." 
And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles." 
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had a fucking terrible day." 
 
 
 
  A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? 
The bunny says "No". 
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.   		 
 
 
  Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Fuck me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." 		 
 
 
  In a community that was poor and relied heavily on bartering, a young man was given a duck by his father to take into town and spend any way he liked. 
When he got to town he decided to check out the local brothel and soon was in a room with a woman who accepted the duck as payment.
After they had finished she said "You know I haven't had this much fun in ages! I'll give you the duck back if you fuck me again"
So they did and she gave him the duck back. As he was leaving the building though the duck got away from him and promptly got run over by a car and killed.
The driver jumped out and said "Oh I'm so sorry. I know that duck must have meant a lot to you. I'll give you 20 dollars to get another one with."
So he walks happily home and his father asked how it went. His reply "I got a fuck for a duck. A duck for a fuck. And 20 bucks for a fucked up duck." 		 
 
 
  A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator." 		 
 
 
   
     
     
       

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  A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."   		 
   
  Sherry the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....." 		 
 
 
  Late at night a man hears a tapping at the front door. He opens it but there's nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. He boots it across the road.
A year later he hears a tapping at the front door. He opens it but there's nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep.
The snail looks up and says, “What the fuck was that all about?” 		 
 
 
  A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" 
The dog answers "ROOF." 
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." 
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." 
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time." 
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." 
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"  		 
 
 
  It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"   
 
 
  A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman "Have you seen my brother?" ...and the barman replies "No, what does he look like?"   
 
 
  Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad , nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again."   
 
 
  The chicken and the egg were lying in bed. The chicken was lying back, smoking and looking very pleased with himself and the egg was sitting up, arms folded and looking very pissed off.
The egg then says to the chicken: "Well......I guess we answered THAT question didn't we????"  		 
 
 
  There were 2 rats living in a sewer. One rat turns to the other and says, "I'm sick of this!"
"Sick of what?" responds the other rat.
"Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner, shit for tea- shit all day long. I'm just sick of it", says the first rat.
"Don't worry", replied the second, "I know what will cheer you up - tonight we'll go on the piss....." 		 
 
 
  A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extra-ordinary skill.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's really not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand . . . he wags his tail!" 		 
 
 
  A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"  		 
 
 
  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy" 		 
 
 
  Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." 		 
 
 
  What is a Cat? 
1. Cats do what they want. 
2. They rarely listen to you. 
3. They're totally unpredictable. 
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 
7. They're moody. 
8. They leave hair everywhere. 
Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.  		 
 
 
  How Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
 
   
   
 
 
  A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? 
The bunny says "No". 
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it. 		 
 
 
  A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." 
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" 
"No," said the psychic, "Next term...in her biology class."  		 
 
 
  A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."  
 
 
  A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance. 
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job." 		 
 
 
  LOST DOG, 3 LEGS, BLIND IN LEFT EYE, MISSING RIGHT EAR, TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED, 
ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY" 		 
 
 
  A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives the horse a drink. Then horse complains loudly: "Hey, what sort of a barman are you! You forgot the little umbrella!" He finishes his drink and gallops out of the bar. After the horse has left, another customer, who had been watching the whole scene with increasing astonishment, turns to the barman and says, "My God, that is incredible! I have never seen anything like that before, never in my entire life!"
The barman replies: "For God's sake, what's the big deal! Anyone can forget the little umbrella!" 		 
 
 
  A pony walks into a pub and says: "Barman, may I have a drink?"
The barman says, "What? I can't hear you, speak up!" "May I please have a drink?"
"What? You'll have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I can't serve you."
"I'm sorry," replied the pony, "I'm just a little hoarse." 		 
 
 
  Notice to People That Visit Our Home
1. The dog lives here. You don't. 
2. If you don't want the dog to be near you, stay off the furniture. 
3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point? 
4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog. 
5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his. 
6. I like him a lot better than I like most people. 
7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion quid for university, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.  		 
 
 
  Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out. 
"Do you speak English?" asks Moshe. 
"Yes," replied the parrot. 
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe. 
"Si," replied the parrot. 
"Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Moshe. 
"Oui," replied the parrot. 
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe. 
"Jawohl," replied the parrot. 
"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe. 
"Sim," replied the parrot. 
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?" 
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"  		 
 
 
  A female reporter was interviewing a farmer concerning Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Jones, have you any ideas as to what might be causing this disease?" asked the reporter.
"I sure do," the farmer stated. "Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Well, sir, that's new information to me, but what is the relationship between that and Mad Cow?" inquired the reporter.
"In addition to that," continued the farmer, "did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"That's very interesting, Mr. Jones, but what's your point?" demanded the reporter.
"The point is this, lady," the farmer replied, "if I played with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?" 		 
 
 
  A man had two Parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female.
One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.
The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man, the parrot called out to him.
"Hey mister" when the man turned, the parrot said, "were you caught fucking too?" 		 
 
 
  Harry picks up his Viagra prescription at the pharmacy. 
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home and anxiously waits for his wife to get home from work. In his excitement, he leaves the open package on the table and his parrot gobbles down all of the pills. Seeing the results and panicking, Harry grabs the parrot and sticks him in the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, Harry's Viagra kicks in just as his wife walks through the door and hours pass before he remembers the parrot. He rushes to look in the freezer, fearing the worst, but finds the bird breathing heavily, dripping with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" exclaims Harry. "You've been in there for hours, yet you're not only alive, you're sweating like crazy."
Panting, the parrot says, "Listen, pal, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?!?" 		 
 
 
  A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" 
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." 
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. 
About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" 		 
 
 
  A lady opened her refrigerator and finds a rabbit with a lisp sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes" replies the lady.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing." 		 
 
 
 

Two male flies are buzzing around looking for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "... but is this stool taken?"

 
 
 
  A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator." 		 
 
 
  Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong ....it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!" 		 
 
 
  A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." 		 
 
 
  A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. 
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. 
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream." 		 
 
 
  Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker! 		 
 
 
  Q) Why does a dog lick his ass?
A) Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face. 		 
 
 
  There's a guy hitchiking along the highway when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. There sits the driver and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, dude", said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company and he looks after you too. Check this shit out". Without further ado, the trucker winds up and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the trucker's fly, goes down and gets to work on the trucker's manhood at a vigorous pace. Once the Captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin the monkey wipes him off, zips up his fly and sits back down in his little monkey-seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!", says the by-now quite interested hitcher. "Can I give it a try?". The trucker looks across and says, "Yeah sure, why not?". "Okay, but just one thing though", says the hitcher. "What's that?", asks the trucker. "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard".  
 
 
  It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes metop heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs." 		 
 
 
  From a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
9:30 am Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favourite!
9:40 am Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favourite!
10:30 am Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favourite!
11:30 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
Noon Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favourite!
1:00 pm Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favourite!
4:00 pm Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favourite!
5:00 pm Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
5:30 pm Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favourite!
6:00 pm Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favourite!
6:30 pm Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My favourite!
8:30 pm Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favourite!
 
 
 
  From a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...